So yesterday I was pretty fired up. I had three potential dates in the pipe: two Match ladies, and the setup I already fucked up once. I actually got her number from my friend but when I called I learned from her voicemail that she is on vacation. That will go back to the backburner. I also had a call with one of the Match girls setting up a date for next week. The phone conversation was probably the single worst phone conversation I have ever had with a girl, and not by my fault. First off, she cut right to the chase, making plans for next week. Usually I like to talk about stuff, anything and talk about going out at the end. It was totally awkward talking about stuff after making the plans. Furthermore, she repeatedly cut me off while I was talking, and would ramble on and then cut herself off. She even started telling me what a bad “phone conversationalist” she is. I was nice and told her she was fine but this is not a good sign for things to come.

Last night I went out with the other Match chick. I had exchanged emails with her earlier in the summer, and she kind of disappeared, and now recently reappeared. She seemed interesting on the phone aside from her “Valley Girl” voice. She grew up as an expat in Saudi Arabia, and is an artist and nanny. Her pictures seemed cute. She met me across the street from my building. It was dark out and did not get a good view until I was up close. Maybe if I saw her beforehand I would have turned around and went back upstairs. I got there to find she was a 5’0 chubbo troll!!! I did recognize the girl from the pictures hidden somewhere beneath the fat. It sucks to be that short the extra layers bunch up quick. I am being a little harsh. She was cute in the face but buttery and pudgy in appearance. My first instinct was to walk away, but I am too nice. I decided it couldn’t hurt to get a few drinks. We went to get a few drinks and bullshitted about this and that. I actually thought she was pretty cool but then I would look at her mid-section and limbs and be turned off. I had three drinks and called it a night. Enjoyable conversation but I will most likely never call her again.

In one night, my outlook for the coming week has been significantly downgraded. This wacky phone girl should be a pretty interesting story. And I guess we will see what happens with the setup fuckup…

This past weekend after a long ass hiatus I went on another date finally. This chick was actually a real deal chick I met in a bar. That is a funny story on its own. A couple of weeks ago, a friend of a friend, Steve, had a party. My friend Jaime, had sent me an email that there was going to be a girl there she wanted me to meet. Score! So naturally, I am stoked. .

After many hours of boozing, I make it to R Bar with some friends. It is crowded, dark, and hot but I am wasted and do not really care. When I walk in the door, this chick starts talking to me right away. I assume she is the one I am supposed to meet. Bear in mind, the lighting was dim, and I was hammered so I thought she looked pretty good. She offers to buy me a drink and I oblige. I talk to her for quite some time. Finally, I make my rounds and go say hello to people.

I go say hello to the friend, and first thing she does is introduce me to another girl, the one I was supposed to meet! Oops. Well I talk to this girl briefly. She seems cute, but I can barely see her at this point. The other chick was definitely the easier mark so somehow I migrated back to the wrong one. I went back to talk to right girl after but she was talking to someone else and then left. Supposedly, the option is still there just got to not fuck it up next time. This wrong girl was a little kooky too which I liked at the time.

I asked my friend about her later that night, and she said she was the wrong girl, sort of knew her, but not really. Meanwhile the random girl was standing right next to me. She told me she heard her name, and asked if we were talking about her. I promptly responded no to her. She gave me a look and I told her she was hearing shit and she wished I was talking about her. After that, I guess she bought it. It got late, and at some point I got her number.

Now a week later, the conversation turned back to that night with my friend Jaime. Apparently, this girl whose number I scored, called, and planned a date with was kind of a crazy weirdo, who had heard about me earlier in the summer, and was waiting to meet me. I flash back to the bar where she was literally waiting for me with those crazy eyes. Doh! I have a stalker. Worse yet I have a date with my stalker. Anyways, I decide, why not? Maybe I will get an easy BJ…

We had planned another bike date. The game plan was too meet around W.4th and West Side Highway. I got there early and cruised around some. For those of you who don’t know there is a nice little park over. I was riding around making some phone calls. Apparently bike riding is not permitted in the park, and some ranger told me to get off a few times. I wasn’t really paying attention at all, and kept on going.

I was pretty much riding in circles until this chick came back. All of a sudden these two park rangers in green suits cornered me, asked me to get off the bike, and asked me for ID. These fuckers wanted to write me a ticket. I told them I had no ID. Then they asked for my information, so I gave them fake information! They go and radio the info to somewhere. Now I am worried. These guys might actually be real police. I end up giving up the real info and they take 40 minutes to write me two fuckin’ tickets: one for a bike violation, and one for failure to comply with an office. Unbelievable! The must have been a hundred real crimes going on that hour elsewhere in NYC. Anyways I now have $300 in fines, and a court date with the Environmental Control Board of NY. Seems like a bunch of BS so I am guessing if I show they will drop everything.

Back to the date, this crazy bitch showed up while I was being ticketed. As soon as she showed, I realized I had some major beer goggles that night! In retrospect, I realize she was wearing a slutty revealing dress, which is why I was probably into it that night. Seeing her sober, I realize she had a big ass, big forehead, some unruly hair and eyebrows. Yeah gross! I may be exaggerating some but she was not something to write home about. I was a sport and didn’t run. I did however keep an arms length distance at all times. She kept on touching me and shit. Ew. While on the bike, I kept surging ahead, and we also went on some Hudson River kayaks where I did the same shit. She kept on telling me to wait up. Ha!

We talked some and grabbed a burger, but I was just not into it. Personality wise she was a little weird, possibly something I could deal with if she looked better. I asked her about the party I met her at. And she told me she barely knew Steve and doesn’t know why she even went. Bullshit, you psycho bitch with the crazy eyes. You are stalking the Z. I ended it early, and sped off on my bike, looking closely behind. With my shitty luck that day, I got a flat on the way home!! Crazy Eye Killah texted me that night to see if I wanted to go out. I told her no and she texted back we should hang again. To that I never responded….